Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.