Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I鈥檝e studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he鈥檚 played:
Bruce Killis
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Today鈥檚 weather from Yorkshire
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”