One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You Might Also Like
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
⚠️ Important Reminder:
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!