I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣