This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Auto correct is my worst enema.