ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.