Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I’m being attacked 😭
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.