My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.