I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other