*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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#DesignFail
liiiiiiiiike
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP