Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Aight bet
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
What a year we’ve had this week.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”