I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.