I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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asked my bf how work was today
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
when revenge coincides with naptime
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
#MeanwhileInCanada
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.