If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
need him
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough