sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
incredible
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Friends that check up on you >
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice