moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
accurate
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.