so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You Might Also Like
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality