My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”