Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Fights fire with marshmallows
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.