Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers