What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me driving through Toronto
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically