ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.