Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.