she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away