me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.