We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T