I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today