waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
is it earth
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right