if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*me flirting
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Baking is just science you can eat.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting