I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side