OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]