When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.