my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.