I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order