Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle