Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Pretty much! 😂👀
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with