Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.