People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit