My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?