I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
How do you like your Corgi?
Who’s your best friend?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom