It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.