If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.