My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
You Might Also Like
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.