School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
This trial is so absurd 😭
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
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