Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.