[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
“I wouldn’t.”