Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
when there are deer in the woods
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
So sick of all these stupid rules