You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
You Might Also Like
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
just left a huge legacy in there
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard