Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*launders Kohls cash*