EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
yea so i messed up lol
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land